Break-ups, learning intimacy & ending self-sabotage

From the book:

While I have always been an independent woman and I take pride in cultivating my solitude, there has always been a part of me that wanted to be like everyone else. I was most aware of this during the time periods I’ll write about here, between 2008 until 2010 when I was dating in earnest.

Everyone – meaning all of the women I knew – was getting married or engaged or at least living with their significant others. It just so happened that I was in love with my best friend from college who I was dating long distance. I thought it was a sign from the universe.

If only I could put together a good enough PowerPoint presentation or list (I was enrolled in library school at the time) I thought that we could easily make this 9-year friendship translate into straight up love-and-marriage and-maybe-a-baby-carriage territory. Oh, but I was horrifically wrong. My gut said it right before he moved and we argued about the terms of him living rent/utilities/cable-free while he avoided getting a job for five months. My friends suggested that I was doing the wrong thing, maybe being a little hasty, but I just wouldn’t listen.

Frankly, I didn’t listen to some of the advice because it was crazy.

My distant cousin who I never ever talk to called me fresh from his jail release to also inform me that I was going straight to hell for living with a man out-of-wedlock. Said cousin went on to include that God gave him a Mercedes because he was obedient to the Lord. “What kind of car do you drive?” he asked me. It was like being in Tyler Perry movie.

I managed to thank him for considering my soul before I hung up.

I wish someone had told me that you cannot love someone more than you love yourself. It would have been nice to hear someone say, gently, that I had never treated myself the way I wanted to be treated in a relationship, so of course my attempts at love were going to fall completely apart.

In theory, I knew that until I learned to practice loving myself and become content by myself, I would never be able to accept or even give anything back to the future love of my life. When that relationship was over and I took a very jarring trip to Disney World that made me praise the Lord I did not have children, I recommitted myself to practicing that theory while dating.

7 thoughts on “Break-ups, learning intimacy & ending self-sabotage

  1. Falling in love with your best friend, surviving the long distance, negotiating–and I do mean negotiating because that’s what it is–a live with me even though we’re not married situation, only to have it all end….and then finding you have more love for yourself than you knew. I think you’re on a great journey

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